Happy Birthday Logan

So two years ago, today, I was so blessed to bring little Logan into this world. The past two years have been the greatest (and fastest) two years of my life. I seriously love this little chub and could never imagine my life without him. I am so grateful to have in my life and am so in love with watching him grow up and learn new things, everyday. He is my world and I hope that I can become the mom that he deserves.

So this year we decided to have 2 different birthday celebrations (at the last minute). Because I found out that Jade had her Ragnar race on Friday the 21st. So she and her family wouldn't have been able to attend Logan's party, if I had it on his actual birthday. So last Sunday we decided to have a party for Logan, with just Ben's side of the family, and today (later on today, it just turned October 20th, it's actually 1:10 am right now) we are going to have his party with my side of the family.

Last Sunday we celebrated his party at Sam and Jodie's house. Jodie made yummy pizza and Ben made an awesome Lightning McQueen cake for the party. Logan didn't fully understand what was going on, but I know that he loves spending time with his cousins and he always has so much fun when they all come over. On top of having all his cousins over to play with, he got full attention from everybody plus presents. I know he had a really fun time and am so glad they were all able to come. It really turned out to be a great night.

So for his bday party tonight, we are going to Wheeler Farm's pumpkin patch, so Logan can pick out a pumpkin. Then we are going back to my parents house and we are going to carve pumpkins. My mom said she wants to try to carve a watermelon, so she has decided not to get a pumpkin, just a watermelon, lol. Anyways, we decided that we are going to order pizza, and my mom, who is a health food nut, is going to bake a healthy cake and find some healthy ice cream at the health food store (I can always count on my mom, to make us yummy healthy food). After dinner and pumpkins, we plan to have Logan open his presents. I know it's going to be a blast and so fun for Logan. He's going to be so cute, running through the pumpkin patch, I can't wait!

Because Ben and I are still living with Sam and Jodie, and we don't have a house of our own, I decided not to invite friends to either party. Last year I invited friends, and we had the party over at Sam and Jodie's and I have to say, at times, it was awkward having that many people crammed into such a small space.

So this year, I wanted to keep it simple and just invite the family. But I actually kind of liked doing it this way, by keeping the party small and only inviting family, it really alleviated a lot of the anxiety that I felt when I was planning last years party. I was so worried about inviting too many people, and having to feel like I had to entertain them. Or I remember feeling anxious, and wondering if they were bored or if they were having a good time, etc.....

I definitely worry too much, LOL.

Happy 4 year Anniversary

Today is our 4 year anniversary. I am holding my breath right now. I seriously can't believe we've been married for 4 years!!! Time really does fly.

So, yesterday, after realizing that some of our anniversary money, was (carelessly) put towards our, spur of the moment tattoo's. Our plans shifted from a weekend getaway, to just dinner and a movie :(

But even though my visions of a romantic filled weekend getaway, is no longer a reality, I am still excited for our Sushi and movie date, tonight. I mean c'mon, what could be better than spending a fun night with Ben, with great food, and not having to worry about chasing after Logan. Sometimes, it's nice to have a little break from children, lol.

Even though Ben and I have our ups and downs, I do appreciate having him in my life. When I am able to let my guard down (and he isn't being too loud or annoying, j/k) we have a great time together. Love you, baby!

Debbie Henriksen Morrison

2 weeks ago, my dad found one of my mom's (Debbie) journals. Since we (KLB) all live far from each other, my dad decided he would email us a copy of the journal. It's so wonderful, because every Sunday, I can look forward to receiving an email from my dad. He only sends us 1 page at a time. Which I like even more, because that means I will be getting Sunday emails, for awhile.

Email from my dad:

Dear Girls: I recently discovered a handwritten journal that your Mom Debbie kept from mid-1978 through mid-1986. If I knew about it before, I had completely forgotten. It's 60 pages long, 12" high by 9" wide. The piece I transcribed here is 2 1/2 pages, , or roughly 4% of the total. She doesn't write every day, but from time to time. I thought you might like to see what was on her mind as a young married, then a young mother. I haven't read it, so I will discover her thoughts along with you. As you can see, the time frame covers your early years with us. She turned 24 in the summer of 1978 and was 32 at the time of her last entry here, a year before her death. My plan is to transcribe a little bit each Sunday and send it to you via email. The other journal she mentions in the first paragraph here is undoubtedly her Day Planner. That one I knew about. All the pages are gathered in one fat green binder. Those entries are more of a day-to-day nature. After I have transcribed all of this first one, I will look the other one over as well and transcribe the parts I think would be of greatest interest to you. My editorial touch is very light--anything I add is by way of explanation &/or clarification. My comments will be marked by brackets [ ].

Love, Dad

Every time I read the emails, I cry. I wish that she hadn't died, and I wish that my dad, or someone would have talked to us about her. After she died, my dad remarried, and just lost contact with her family. So I barely even remember them. It's sad, but we never talked about her, I never really knew what kinds of things she liked, or what kind of a personality she had. The only memory I have of her, are very fast blurry images, mostly of light blonde hair. When I look at pictures of her, I recognize her face, smile, and eyes. But it makes me wonder how much of what I recognize, is because I have been shown those images, over and over throughout my life. Or if somewhere deep down, I can truly remember her. I don't know. I look at my son, Logan, and all my nieces and nephews and wonder what if I was gone? Would they be able to remember me?

I think I was 5 or 6 when my mom died. 5 or 6 and I can't vividly remember anything about her. You would think by that age, I would be able to recall at least 1 moment, that I spent with her; and know for sure, that moment wasn't some figment of my imagination. That it was real. But I can't. I know what the Psyche community would say, they would say that I have just repressed the memories I had with her, and that I have repressed everything about her. Because subconsciously I feel too sad and angry, that she's gone. And if I hadn't repressed those memories, I wouldn't have been able to move on with my life. I wouldn't have been able to figure out how to go on living and function "normally".

But I wish I could remember, even if I would have been so hurt and damaged, I wish I could remember.

1st Ink

So this past Saturday (8.27.11), Ben and I went downtown, to attend SLC's 2nd Annual Beer Festival. Much to our dismay, when we arrived at the festival, we found that all of the tickets had already been sold out (and they weren't going to sell anymore).

I was completely bummed out. I had my heart set on going to this for a couple weeks, at this point. Luckily Ben was with me and tried to cheer me up. So we walked over the Jackelope Bar, had a few drinks, and on a whim, decided to get a tattoo.

Ben googled tattoo parlors, and there happened to be one a few doors down from the bar. Ben and I decided to get Logan's name tattoo'd. This was Ben's 3rd, but my 1st.

I have to say that I wasn't really too nervous, because I had been planning on getting a tattoo, for a few months now. But I wasn't sure where or how big I wanted to go. The tattoo artist, drew up a sick design for me, which I loved, so I decided to go ahead with it. Ben sat with me the whole time, and tried to keep my mind off the needle. To my surprise, it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. Don't get me wrong, it did hurt, but I did fine.

My tattoo

Ben's tattoo

Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss

Celebrated 4 birthdays this month, Landon, Piper, Anna, & Isaac, Happy Birthday, I love you all so much and am so grateful to have you all in my life.

August 17, 2011.

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and unfortunately do not like what I have found. It's sad, really. I have been trying to think of ways to better myself, so I started drinking more water, eating better, and trying to get out of my comfort zone, every once in awhile. Of course none of those are really working and now that I am 30 (soon to be 31), I am coming to grips with some very hard truths:

1. I am not going to be a famous celebrity

2. Will never win the Lottery and become a millionaire

3. Will never have the perfect body

4. Will never be completely happy with the body I do have

5. I've stopped growing and will always be this short

6. Realizing that I do get anxiety a lot when I am put on the spot, even just in a casual conversation situation

7. Am more of an introvert that I want or claim to be

8. Because of my anxiety, I have a hard time fitting in with other people

9. Care way too much about what other people think (especially of me)

10. Wish that I could be more outgoing, the life of the party, so to speak

11. Have so many emotional detachment issues, it's unreal (and so not fair)!

12. Am sad or frustrated most of the time

13. Wish I could sing, even just a little

14. Patience is a virtue (that I just don't have)

15. Finding that I get annoyed, way too easily (and it has got to stop! LOL)

Anyways, the list could really go on and on, but it's making me depressed just writing it; I know this list is very dismal and hopeless. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and his name is Logan. I love Logan more than anything and would do anything for him. I am so grateful that I had him, because he is the light of my life and the reason I get up in the morning. Also, he is the reason I can live with my imperfections and regrets.

Life is so strange. It never works out the way you plan. In my case, if Life did go according to plans, I would never know what it's like to feel the greatest joy and love, that can happen to a person.

At my age (lol) I think it's normal for people to look back at their life and evaluate it, in some way. They want to know that it hasn't been a waste and that some of their dreams have come true.

I certainly never thought my life would end up the way it has. As a little girl I never played house, or wanted to grow up to get married, and have a family. In my little girl daydreams, I always saw myself as kind of the next Mother Teresa. Or saw myself as a world traveler of some sort out to discover strange and wonderful places. Of course, none of this has come true.

But, because of Logan, I have gotten to a place in my heart, where I am okay with that. I have put all my regrets behind me, that is to say that I haven't forgotten them, but I no longer dwell on those regrets. Which has allowed me to be able to move on and hopefully be happy with the life that I do have.

In a way Logan saved me from me. This is going to sound so cheesy, but, the love that I have for Logan is the strongest feeling and bond that I have ever had. Before I would have never thought that could be possible (and the reasons for that I am not ready to talk about, publicly). Which is probably why I never wanted to have children. But am so thankful that I did.

I love this line: forget regret or life is yours to miss. It's taken from one of the songs in RENT. It really speaks to me, because I tend to hold on to my regrets; and have realized that in doing so, I have missed out on everything and let life just pass me by. I have made a conscience decision, that I am not going to let the next 30 years of my life pass me by. I am going to live and learn to love every moment. Because life is way too short.

I'm Still Here

Ok, so my last post was almost a year ago, no I did not fall off the planet, just took a sabbatical, LOL. Ya know, blogging is the last thing on my mind, at the end of the day. From running errands to chasing after Logan, I am seriously exhausted.

But I am going to try to get back into it because, originally, when I set this up. I wanted to use this blog as a sort of e-journal. Essentially a place for me to jot down my thoughts on anything and everything, share pictures and ideas, stories (personal or of other people), thoughts on life, love, and the meaning of it all.

But it somehow turned into another place for me to dump all my pictures into (which is not a bad thing, I mean pictures can say a thousand words) and the writing just became descriptive of the correlating picture. Again not a bad thing, it's just not what I had in mind, when I started this whole thing.

Anyways, so, hopefully, I am going to be able to start writing at least once a month. Oh and don't worry, I am going to continue to post pictures.

Peace and Love.