August 17, 2011.
I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and unfortunately do not like what I have found. It's sad, really. I have been trying to think of ways to better myself, so I started drinking more water, eating better, and trying to get out of my comfort zone, every once in awhile. Of course none of those are really working and now that I am 30 (soon to be 31), I am coming to grips with some very hard truths:
1. I am not going to be a famous celebrity
2. Will never win the Lottery and become a millionaire
3. Will never have the perfect body
4. Will never be completely happy with the body I do have
5. I've stopped growing and will always be this short
6. Realizing that I do get anxiety a lot when I am put on the spot, even just in a casual conversation situation
7. Am more of an introvert that I want or claim to be
8. Because of my anxiety, I have a hard time fitting in with other people
9. Care way too much about what other people think (especially of me)
10. Wish that I could be more outgoing, the life of the party, so to speak
11. Have so many emotional detachment issues, it's unreal (and so not fair)!
12. Am sad or frustrated most of the time
13. Wish I could sing, even just a little
14. Patience is a virtue (that I just don't have)
15. Finding that I get annoyed, way too easily (and it has got to stop! LOL)
Anyways, the list could really go on and on, but it's making me depressed just writing it; I know this list is very dismal and hopeless. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and his name is Logan. I love Logan more than anything and would do anything for him. I am so grateful that I had him, because he is the light of my life and the reason I get up in the morning. Also, he is the reason I can live with my imperfections and regrets.
Life is so strange. It never works out the way you plan. In my case, if Life did go according to plans, I would never know what it's like to feel the greatest joy and love, that can happen to a person.
At my age (lol) I think it's normal for people to look back at their life and evaluate it, in some way. They want to know that it hasn't been a waste and that some of their dreams have come true.
I certainly never thought my life would end up the way it has. As a little girl I never played house, or wanted to grow up to get married, and have a family. In my little girl daydreams, I always saw myself as kind of the next Mother Teresa. Or saw myself as a world traveler of some sort out to discover strange and wonderful places. Of course, none of this has come true.
But, because of Logan, I have gotten to a place in my heart, where I am okay with that. I have put all my regrets behind me, that is to say that I haven't forgotten them, but I no longer dwell on those regrets. Which has allowed me to be able to move on and hopefully be happy with the life that I do have.
In a way Logan saved me from me. This is going to sound so cheesy, but, the love that I have for Logan is the strongest feeling and bond that I have ever had. Before I would have never thought that could be possible (and the reasons for that I am not ready to talk about, publicly). Which is probably why I never wanted to have children. But am so thankful that I did.
I love this line: forget regret or life is yours to miss. It's taken from one of the songs in RENT. It really speaks to me, because I tend to hold on to my regrets; and have realized that in doing so, I have missed out on everything and let life just pass me by. I have made a conscience decision, that I am not going to let the next 30 years of my life pass me by. I am going to live and learn to love every moment. Because life is way too short.
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